Thinking Aloud!

Just about a week left for the big day and I think I can squeeze in one small post and some internal travel too.

In a country where millions find it difficult to even manage two square meals a days I feel blessed to have the privilege of going on such a wonderful holiday. I thank god for showering me with such good fortune!

My solo travel to Singapore in August has made me more organized and equipped to avoid last minute rush. As I come to the end of my packing spree I must give a big thumbs up to the sachet culture in India. Every traveler will be proud of our consumer product companies. I was pleasantly surprised to find almost everything under the sun available in small sachets costing just about Rs 2 (5 cents!!)..tea, coffee, soap, shampoo, snacks etc you name it and they have it in sachets.

I read somewhere that the most important thing to pack while traveling is an open mind! Despite all the amazing people I have networked with in countries I will be visiting I will remember the fact that there are also not so nice people in every country of the world and tourists are soft targets. Ergo, better safe than sorry would be the mantra where ever I go.

To all my friends who are looking forward to my visit as much as I am excited about seeing them here’s a special message. “Whilst i'm sure I’ll be a good boy…if on the odd occasion I get difficult, impatient, blunt or show a bit of temper….please bear with me! I’m sure though that there is nothing I cannot make up with a bit of humour plus I’ve never known anyone who doesn't like Santa. :))

Travel they say not only broadens the mind but broadens the body as well. So to hell with cholesterol and sugar for the next two months coz I always say…you haven’t lived if haven’t lived it up!

To all my friends who helped me put together this trip...muchas gracias...what would I do without you??

As much as I look forward to exploring an amazing continent and my first couch surfing experience I am sure to miss home and people the moment my flight takes off! That’s human nature I suppose…

It's almost now!

http://www.travbuddy.com/travel-blogs/63721/Counting-Down-tick-tok-tick-tok-1

Ready Steady Go!

Trying to avoid repitition I've given the link to my latest post which is on TravBuddy. See link below:

http://www.travbuddy.com/travel-blogs/63080/Ready-Steady-Go-1

Add Friend Request!!

I’ve always loved writing letters. While at school I would look forward to running back home to check if the postman had any international mail for me from my pen friends. I remember the time when Radio RSA (South Africa) had announced my name as a pen friend from India and I was overwhelmed when I received over 150 letters from all over South Africa! It used to be fun going to the GPO and buying newly released stamps and first day covers (I wonder if they still have them!). Over the years some lost touch some just disappeared and by the time I finished college there was hardly any time for such indulgences.

Once you are bitten by the writers bug the effects are irreversible and you get hooked to writing in one form or the other. Soon personal communication skills got moulded into effective business communication until the internet revolution took place.

Although I was always excited about meeting people and making new friends I was quite a skeptic as far as online socializing was concerned. My nephew then introduced me to ICQ which was big those days. It was nice as a novelty but something seemed to be missing. MSN messenger was the next big thing, introducing all of us to the wonderful world of instant messaging and “Add friend request”. This was more acceptable as most contacts would be people who I used to correspond with via hotmail.

Very soon there was an explosion of social networking sites none of which really excited me. ICQ went into oblivion and Orkut was the flavor of the month. It seemed too frivolous to me and Facebook in part plugged the loopholes Orkut had. I don’t have an account on either of them and I surprised myself when I registered on Livemocha.com . Being an extremely private person this was a leap of faith for me but my desire to learn Spanish and travel to LatAm was so strong that I just could not stop myself from being there.

Today, I am absolutely thrilled about being on livemocha and meeting some incredibly amazing friends. I’m looking forward to meeting Silvia and her cute little daughter Luciana in Costa Rica and celebrating my birthday with Suzana and her friends in Brazil. I am sure I will be meeting more virtual friends during my travel and get to know them better. During the last few weeks I have been surfing almost 8-10 hrs a day planning my trip and discovered two more amazing sites for those who love travel. TravBuddy.com and CouchSurfing.com. If you are someone who travels a lot or just loves traveling do give these sites a dekkho. I bet you will be awed by the endless opportunities they offer. You can check me out on these sites, under the user name - Vyne.

Last but not least a special thanks to Silvia and Suzana for being such wonderful buddies. The warmth and affection displayed by you to a total stranger makes you true ambassadors for your country. Because of you I have started enjoying my vacation even before it has begun.

Noise..Noise..Noise..

You must have thought that baby blog turned one and then went to sleep :) Well, not exactly, the blog has had no post for a long time owing to a little bit of lethargy on my part and a lot of excitement involved in planning my dream holiday to Latin America, which kept me busy. I’m back now and with all the festivities around the only thought that comes to mind is NOISE!

Why are you shouting? I can never forget this “welcome back question” from a friend the moment I landed back in Dubai (on a holiday) after relocating to India for good! That’s the first time I realized the kind of ‘background noise’ we are used to back home. Then on, I had to be conscious of my decibel levels throughout my visit!

The more I see the world the more I am convinced that we must be one of the noisiest countries in the world, especially our cities. It all starts at home when you need the ceiling fan to be at full speed to brave the hot humid climate. The noise made by the fan forces us to increase the television volume in order to make sense of what is being said. The sound from the streets (courtesy, open windows-for the elusive breeze) gives you copyright free access to high decibel surround sound generated by auto rickshaws, cars, buses, motor bikes, repair work etc. This again leads you to keep your door bells and telephone ringers on high volume.

The vicious circle of noise creating more noise is only exasperated during the second half of the year when festivities for Ganesh Chaturti, Dussera and Diwali begin! We are unable to enjoy ourselves unless we are also ‘heard to be having fun’. Music blasting from pooja mandals and every nook and corner makes you wish you were deaf for most part of the time these festivals are celebrated. No one seems to have a clue to celebrating events without being loud. Thankfully government restrictions are trying to make sure these pathetically noisy celebrations don’t go beyond a certain time at night.

Oh! How can I forget the big fat noisy Indian weddings, 'thread ceremonies' etc where you cannot communicate with each other unless you speak into the other persons ear….literally! God has been very kind to us...it’s a miracle that so many of us are not already deaf!

Ok, now that I have let the steam out, I can move to other things. Of all the things that have happened in the past few weeks the ones I recollect immediately are:

Nearly one year after giving investors a heart attack Ramalinga Raju got one for himself. I am still not sure if it was real or exaggerated in order to get VIP treatment at the hospital.

After Advani its Jaswant Singh who was at the receiving end for his Jinnah glorifying comments. BJP is soon becoming a Bharatiya Jinnah Party, much to the amusement of other political outfits.

Economy class now has a new name, ‘cattle class’. Outbursts against Tharoor proved once again that we have absolutely no sense of humour. If you are unable to laugh at yourself be sure others will gladly do it for you!

The moon mission has had its own sense of humour. Apparently they seem to have found a thin invisible layer of water on the moon. Hmmn wonder how they found it if it was invisible :) Poetically too I am not convinced that it is true…such mein agar chand par pani hota toh chand ab tak apna daag na dholeti? :)

Finally, it’s the joy of giving week in India…so all pretty and intelligent women can have their share of joy by giving me their contact details!! I know one person reading this blog who will chide me and say – “always fishing”. Well, young lady I would like to borrow and adapt a line from the movie “Scent of a Woman” and say. ‘The day we stop fishing, Nihi, is the day we die”!!!

Talk about movies and I finally managed to see the movie I've been wanting to see for a long time - The Bucket List. An amazing movie which is funny and yet so touching. A million percent my kinda movie. It also catalysed my sky diving dreams in Brazil!

Wishing you all a Happy (noise free) Dussera.

Baby Blog turns ONE :)

It’s hard to believe but true that its exactly a year since I started this blog and despite being away in Singapore I had to take time this morning to upload my first anniversary blog post!

I’m glad I have managed to keep it going for one whole year albeit at a slower pace than desired. Posting once a week, I was pretty regular during the first three months but then my Spanish classes and a whole lot of unplanned travel meant very little time for writing. This has made me admire people who despite their busy schedules find time to update their blogs at a prolific pace.

My main aim of capturing my thoughts during the past year has been fulfilled and when I read some of my earlier posts my reaction is either – “did I write that” or “why did I write that”.

Here’s a BIG thanks to all you guys out there for your encouragement and more importantly finding time to go through the stuff I’ve been throwing at your through my posts.

First anniversaries normally call for some important / interesting announcements and I shall follow the tradition by stating that I have an ambitious writing plan in the making. I’ve bounced the idea with a few people who have given me a positive feedback but more on this when plans crystalise.

It has been just over a year since I last travelled abroad and I was pleasantly surprised to notice a whole lot of changes at the Mumbai International Airport. It has transformed itself from looking like a railway platform to actually looking like an international airport. While admiring the new structure I could hear hushed whispers between some senior citizens about the prices of eats at coffee shops and restaurants. Any further increase will also mean that paramedics need to be on standby when senior citizens go through the prices which have multiplied over 10 times from what they were used to paying. Seriously though, if we want airports of international standards then prices too will shoot up! It will be amusing when they start charging User Development Fees for passengers using the new airport. Imagine the irony when, in order to pay Rs 150 for a sandwich you will first have to pay Rs 1,500 to enter the airport! That’s what they call a double whammy!

A conversation with co-passengers always brings out one of the “Most Likely Questions” (a subject of my earlier post) and the most popular one as usual is “Why are you still single”? I was getting tired of the same old answers I am used to giving so I have a new one these days. Here goes “I was looking for the perfect woman and I also found one, but unfortunately, she was looking for the perfect guy! I have to start all over again and am now looking for a perfect woman who is not looking for a perfect guy”!

Singapore Airlines has always been touted to be the best airline in terms of customer satisfaction / service levels and they were bang on. The new A380 aircrafts are a real treat. I almost missed my seat in economy class as I kept moving forward assuming that I was in Business Class! The seating comfort and leg space is as good as the business class in most rickety airlines with outdated aircrafts.

Emirates is the airline which is invariably compared with Singapore Airlines but having travelled on Emirates umpteen number of times I can safely say that Emirates is unlikely to catch up any time soon. The work culture at Emirates just does not permit the crew and ground staff to make the customer feel at ease and that’s irrespective of whether you are travelling First, Business or Economy. Even when I travel Business Class on Emirates there is always that subtle hint of arrogance or snootiness which overhangs their service. I can only imagine how the economy class gets treated.

SingAir on the other hand is totally chilled out. There is nothing intimidating and a general sense of pleasantness pervades the entire experience. The best part is that the ground staff and crew members seemed to be trained to go out of their way even without making you feel they are going out of their way. That to me is the secret of their excellent service. I experienced this first hand at Changi Airport when the girl at the currency exchange counter advised me in a very matter of fact manner that since I have a debit card too I should withdraw money from the ATM and not buy it from her as her rates were much higher than the ATM. I don’t remember the last time when a salesperson directed a customer to a cheaper option. Welcome to Changi International Airport!

I must not forget to add that I also met a crew member who was in the wrong job! She seemed far too efficient to be a part of the cabin crew and when I told her she was wasting her time in that job she was quite perplexed. She seemed more relaxed when I added that with the kind of diction and voice strength she had together with her personality she could easily be a successful anchor on television either for a news network or a lifestyle / travel channel. A little bit of training could also make her a good voice-over or dubbing artist.

In any case, she could not get me my ultra hot masala chai and seriously couldn’t believe my definition of ultra hot. She better look for career better than trying to serve ultra hot tea to a passenger with a heat insulated tongue or telling people to switch off their mobiles or fasten their seat belts! Most of all, crew members are more identifiable with names like Anna, Rita, Valerie or Neha. The name Uttara Deshpande sounds more suited to a news anchor…think about it! Uttara, you can do much better...certainly better than having U.D. on a SingAir uniform!

Much has been happening between my Goa post and this one.

Inflation is going down but prices are going up!

Metro bridges are coming down and Mayawati statues are going up. Congress has forgotten Kalavati and concentrating on Mayawati. There is a big hue and cry over the erection of her statues. What people don’t realize is the fact that this is the only kind of erection she can possibly enjoy.

Yuvraj Singh is worried about his privacy as far as dope testing is concerned. He should be told that WADA stands for World Anti-Doping Agency and not World Aids Detection Agency. I am sure he will relent.

Lot more is happening but they will have to wait till I get back home.

The Customer is Always 'Tight'!

Goa being almost synonymous with holidays, going there for work sounded different and I looked forward to this rather unplanned second visit to Goa. My first visit was a disaster as I went there during peak summer and didn’t not enjoy it one bit. In a way I was giving myself and Goa a second chance!

I had read and heard loads about the Konkan railway stretch from Mumbai to Goa being an amazing journey, especially when it rains, so I decided to go by train. Within a few hours I was convinced that however much you write you cannot do justice to this truly blissful journey. This is a must for all those who love landscapes, tunnels and bridges. It is truly a modern day engineering marvel and one of the few things Indian Railways can be proud of. The countless tunnels and bridges not only remind you of the awesome amount of research and planning required to pull off such a feat but also strengthens your belief in the statement “Nothing is Impossible”. Cutting through the terrain deep into the mountain took years but the results are impeccable. The lush greenery of the landscape is perfectly punctuated by the dozens of waterfalls throughout the journey. The 12 hour journey seems too short and I won’t mind spending all of it standing near the door. This is one time when you won’t mind unscheduled halts and red signals on the way. The icing on the cake though was the service provided on the Mandovi Express. There is a non-stop supply of goodies to eat. They are very reasonably priced and surprise surprise even the branded eats are sold at MRP and no more! Try catching this train on a weekday and you will almost have the entire compartment to yourself :)

Of late, 'Goa in the rains' as a concept has been aggressively marketed and I can confirm that it’s been done with good reason. The lushness in the landscape gives a very fresh and bold look to the entire region. The intermittent rains and the sight of people scampering around for shelter during spells of cloud burst instantly brings smiles to many faces and the rains seem to have a very calming effect on everyone around. Strangers literally coming under one umbrella even for a few minutes means a new acquaintance made. The subtle nod of the head or a warm smile as a thank you gesture is what humanity is all about. Small acts invariably make big statements.

With such a beautiful weather outside the thought of going into an office for work was hardly something to look forward to. Some documents were to be signed, discussions to be held and the future course of action was to be decided. Everything seemed so dull and boring about the meeting until a smart dusky girl walked in. She was introduced as Meghana, the CFO. As I started interacting with her I realized that she was the Cutest Financial Officer I have met in a long time. She had an extremely warm and pleasant disposition and I couldn’t stop myself from going up to her after the meeting and complimenting her for her sweet personality.

With work out of the way, the next few days were spent going around Panaji and even venturing into the South of Goa where the sprawling Taj property, Taj Exotica is located. It's big, beautiful but expensive. The right place to splurge windfall gains and a perfect hide-out for lovebirds. I even managed to catch a movie and explore some little known restaurants in town. Also visited a friend at the Goa Institute of Management which is housed in an old Portuguese style building, which used to be a hospital once. It has a nice cozy campus and there is a magnificent water front just outside the building.

If you love your fish and booze, Goa is the place to be. Like most coastal cities Goan food too uses a lot of coconut. Fish, chicken and all kinds of meat are available in plenty. Goan vegetarian food by far seems to be cooked with the sole intention of making guys like me feel totally out of place…really! The subtle question seemed to be “What are you doing in Goa if you don’t eat non-veg or take liquor?” Booze is extremely cheap and the whole place is dotted with liquor and wine shops so much so that when you try to get a good cup of tea or coffee what you get is almost a rebuke for not ordering liquor in liquorland! The tag line Goa seemed to wish for is “The Customer is Always 'Tight'!” Within a few days I gave up my quest for a decent cup of tea or coffee and decided to bring in my own tea bags and coffee powder for my next visit.

All said and done a great trip to a beautiful place with a laid back lifestyle and some pretty friendly locals. If you enjoy your booze and fish you have to look no further.

Laila O Laila

If you know me well you will never believe me if I said I woke up at 6.45 a.m. on a Sunday but if I add that it was to meet a certain Laila you might find it credible. Yes guys, its true, I did get up that early. I was all excited and looking forward to my date with Laila. Not being a morning person I had proposed an evening date but Laila being Laila didn't seem to like going out in the rains.

Being a Sunday morning I reached our rendezvous point soon and spotted a bevy of beauties all lined up looking nice and charming. This was a blind date and I had never seen Laila. Before you let your imagination run wild I better tell you that Laila is a microlight aircraft parked at Jakkur airfield in Bangalore.

I must have visited Bangalore umpteen number of times but for the first time I decided to get out of the “visit relatives, visit malls and visit temples routine” and do something really 'hatke'. My solo trip exploring Coorg last week (the subject matter of another post soon) was now being followed up with a 30 minute flying experience.

Having successfully cajoled the autorichshaw guy to take me to Jakkur airfield I arrived much ahead of the appointed time in order to get a feel for the place and make the experience longer than the scheduled 30 minutes. I tried calling Vinitha, the pilot, in order to locate the hangar where the aircraft was parked. There was no response and I started walking towards Jupiter Aviation (the place she had asked me to come to). As I approached the hangar I saw a lady sitting outside reading a book and told myself why isn't she answering my calls? As I approached her I asked if she was Vinitha and she said she had just come to visit her friend Vinitha.

I looked around at the neat little flying machines parked in the hangar and was enjoying the greenery and the cool breeze (after the rains) when a red Palio pulled over and a young man walked towards the hangar. We exchanged pleasantries and I learnt that he too had come to fly. We got talking as we waited for Vinitha to come back. Girish (the Palio guy) was a confirmed flying enthusiast and had done over 11 hours of real life flying and many hundreds on his simulator. Spend a few minutes with Girish and you are convinced that barring the touch and feel experience, technology has been successful in simulating everything else! I am sure that in the coming years the touch, feel and smell barrier too will be broken by technology.

As we were talking we spotted the counter part of 'a blue eyed boy',--> 'a brown eyed girl' walking towards us. It was our pilot Vinitha. She waved a friendly hi at us and was full of energy and enthusiasm. She looked exactly like someone running on 100 octane fuel. Behind her came Laila ambling along daintily, guided by a lone flyer who was completing his sortie (loosely used here-for want of a better term!). After brief introductions I was asked to familiarise myself with Laila who was totally dressed in white and together with her white wings she really looked like an angel, the only difference being the replacement of the halo by a 60-80 hp engine.

Once the aircraft was refueled and ready to go I sat inside with just enough room for a person of my frame. The ‘microtight’ cockpit made me feel happy that for once, being tall was not a virtue. Vinitha took her seat with the confidence of a seasoned pilot and gave me all the instructions reserved for newbies. We reached the runway and were ready to be airborne. Small aircrafts give you the thrill no big aircraft can ever give and it felt like being inside a small car which was able to fly. We had a smooth take off and within minutes were cruising at an altitude of 600 feet. The unrestricted bird's eye view of Bangalore was beautiful and for the first time ever I truly felt like my name (the bird Garuda). No prizes now for guessing why I enjoy all forms of flying.

After a few minutes Vinitha asked me to get a feel for the controls and I realised how sensitive Laila was and how aptly she was named! A slightest movement of the stick and rudder control would send her swaying in the breeze. After dancing over Bangalore for about 25 mins it was decided to give her some rest so we started our descent and had a safe landing at around 0850 hours.

Girish was waiting for his sortie but before he could take off I managed to click some pictures for my scrap book. As Girish took off I proceeded to find the place where I was told I could have some tea. I entered a training cum conference room where Varsha, the lady I first met at the hangar, was happily reading her book. Little did she suspect that the peace and tranquility she was enjoying would forever be shattered by my jibber jabber and banter. Her book reading time was over and her valiant attempts to silence me by offering me tea and some biscuits proved futile. Little did she know that I was the undefeated tea and biscuit champion who devours biscuits as quickly as others breathe fresh air. The 30 minute wait for Girish and Vinitha to come back saw us discussing everything right from politics to business and careers. Although a marketing person by profession she was the 'Jill of all trades' and would rather enjoy a bit of everything that is nice and interesting. Her husband is a die hard cyclist though and owns a high end bike franchise. So, if you or anyone you know is interested in cycling or buying mountain bikes then do visit his cool site www.bumsonthesaddle.com

Finally, there was hope for Varsha as Vinitha and Girish came back from their sortie. I had another cup of tea courtesy Vinitha. I was refueled and now had two more guys to target. I have often been told that I come across as being so familiar at the very first meeting that it has the potential to scare a lot of people. My bluntness doesn’t help either. No such problems here. Who could possibly scare someone who drives on the roads of Bangalore everyday and someone who has completed hundreds of flying hours? In fact, my loyalties to Mumbai and Bangalore were put to test. I couldn’t let either of them down. Mumbai, where I was born and brought up and Bangalore (read Karnataka) where I am originally from, have both given me so much in life. The ladies had a good time pulling my leg about my Karnataka connection!

Vinitha showed no signs that she had just come back from two sorties. She was as spirited and fresh as she was in the morning. She is probably one of the most enthusiastic 'plane Jane’s' you will ever meet. Don’t be fooled by her petite frame, there is more to her than meets the eye. Girish proved to be a one-track mind guy. His only track was to find a way to own a microlight and fly in every aircraft parked at Jakkur! Seriously though, he’s a cool dude who also happens to be an avid trekker. He has probably visited the Himalayas as many times as you and I visit multiplexes to watch movies.

Varsha, who was reading the book “PS I love you” was probably thinking “PS I’ll kill you” even as Girish and I stole more of the quality time she had planned with her buddy. Her prayers were finally heard and Vinitha decided it was time for them to leave and grab something to eat. Girish was kind enough to offer me a lift back home. I also parted with three red Gandhis and my wallet felt microlight too.

All in all, a wonderful Sunday morning and a BIG THANKS to Vinitha, Varsha and Girish for being so generous and hospitable to a complete stranger.

Those of you reading this, if you think I’ve managed to do the impossible – not meeting an IT guy in Bangalore, hold that thought. Girish runs a software firm and Varsha’s husband is a software engineer by profession!!

Vero...nikaah

So we all know who Archie has finally decided to marry!! I won’t go into the probable whys of his selection coz that would never finish this post (although I admit it could make more interesting reading hehe). I’d rather concentrate on the fact that he took 67 years to decide. Now, all you guys out there don’t ask me why I have still not decided. I’m ages away from taking 67 years!

The last 10-12 days have been hectic. The fun of following the counting of votes, the IPL final and then the major event of our financial markets, which have been comatose for over a year, finally coming to life. On the down side I sprained my back and hopefully it’ll sort itself out before my trip to Bangalore next month.

Hundreds of tigers have been made extinct this month. I am referring to the Tamil tigers. I strongly object to terrorists being called animals. Animals don’t kill for sadistic pleasures they kill only when they are hungry. I hope this is taken up at the next WTO meet. (World Tigers Organisation)

One of the things I really wanted to do this year was to hook up with some of the people I studied and worked with when I left India. I have finished gathering information about some of them and should start contacting them soon. I’m looking forward to it.

The other thing I wanted to do was to get back some of the friends I had lost. I started with the best and it probably took some D’Vyne intervention to make me do what I did. I am so happy about it. Like I told that friend, life is short and unpredictable and I don't ever want to leave this world estranged from the one who means so much. So here was me killing all the bad feelings and remembering only the happy moments together. The fact is, ultimately people do work around their differences and come together…. usually when it’s too late in their lives. If it is going to happen anyway might as well do it asap.

Since I am on the subject of friends I’ll leave you with one of my most favorite lines. Old friends are the best but we can’t have more old friends without making new ones, can we? To this end I am glad to have added at least one more to my list during the last few months. This is someone who speaks very good Spanish but doesn’t seem to know the meaning of the word pronto:(

BJP wins!

This election, BJP’s campaign was the real winner. They spread the message that one should vote for Mazboot Neta, Nirnayak Sarkar (strong leader, decisive government) and that’s exactly what the people did. They voted for the Congress (UPA) government with Manmohan Singh as the PM!

What bemused me most is the allocation (distribution would be more suitable I guess) of portfolios. I mean, a Minister is supposed to head the affairs of an entire nation in his domain and these posts are being doled out as if it hardly mattered who heads what ( except for the prestige value )! If you don’t want Power you can have Rural Affairs or Tourism. Gee are they all the same??? Imagine in a corporation the Directors or Presidents saying they will take IT if they can’t have Marketing and the Chairman offers them Human Resources or Production control!

The swearing in ceremony was so so boring and monotonous. I fail to understand why the President had to keep saying ‘I’ all the time. Whatever the reason I am sure there is a better way of doing it. It could really be a five minute affair if all of them took oath at the same time. Other than their names there is hardly anything different they say.

The only thing it cleared for me was the reason why Ministers keep taking oaths and then do exactly the same things they swore they would not do. The thing is when you swear by someone it implies that if you do the things you swore not to do then those who you swore by will come to harm. The problem is, we know God is immortal and there is no way anyone can harm him so it is really pointless swearing by God. What do you think? I suggest they should be made to swear by their families, wealth and power and then see how they stick to their oaths :)

The unpredictable seems to be almost predictable this month! First it was the election results and then the IPL finalists. I wonder what else is in store. Will Nadal be crashing out of the French Open? Who knows?

Swine Flu vs Vyne Flu

*Issued in Public Interest*

This cautionary statement is being issued in view of the global scare regarding Swine Flu and its phonetic closeness to an already existing condition called Vyne Flu. Your attention is drawn to the causes, symptoms and cures for both these conditions and you are advised to take all necessary precautions.

Swine Flu

Mainly spreads from person to person as a result of coughing or sneezing by people with influenza.

WHO has recently declared it a Pandemic.

Symptoms include:

· High fever
· Cough
· Sore throat
· Headache
· Body aches and
· Fatigue

It is an extremely harmful condition and if not treated in time could lead to death.

Vyne Flu

Spreads through a single source being an individual called Vyne. It is not Pandemic but Paldemic, infecting all pals of this individual.

Regular contact with Vyne via Email, SMS and telephone drastically increases the chances of being infected.

Symptoms include:

· Impatience
· Fussiness
· Bouts of laughter
· Burnt throat (resulting from the consumption of very hot beverages)
· High tendency to crack PJs

Your likes, dislikes and beliefs are at a high risk of undergoing drastic changes. The following effects have been indicated.

· Early morning would mean 8.30 a.m.
· You will claim to be 20+ forever.
· Food will consist of just fruits, juices and biscuits.
· Sleeping, writing and travel will be the only worthy pastimes.
· You will start becoming wordly wise.
· You will believe that the best dress ever invented is:

( A pure white chudidar with a red bandhej dupatta)
· The best perfumes will be Creed for men and Cool Water for women.
· Laziness will become a virtue and
· Latin America would be considered the best continent on Earth.

Vyne Flu can be classified as extremely harmful or charmful depending on the victims state of mind. Currently, there is no known cure available for this condition.

Please keep the above in mind and take care of yourself and those around you.

Cheap Thrills!

I opened the newspaper a couple of days back and for a moment wondered if I was in India or some ‘developed’ country. Travel advisories had been issued to those traveling to Mexico, USA, Canada and parts of Europe. Hundreds of passengers arriving from the above countries were to be screened upon arrival at our airports.

Wow! I was having the cheap thrill of something at whose receiving end we have always been. I also thanked God for making me a vegetarian. It all started with a cow. No, I’m not talking about Hinduism. I meant it started with the Mad Cow disease, then it was the Bird Flu and now it’s the Swine Flu. That leaves us with just Lamb Flu and Fish Flu in the coming years. I hear that owing to some confusion regarding the spread of Swine Flu it has been renamed H1N1 disease. This will leave our IT folks even more flustered. As it is they are grappling with confusion over H1B1 visas and now they are burdened with H1N1 problem as well.

As our elections come to an end the shoe throwing Mela continues. I am certain that it will be popular even after the elections and manufacturers can start a new line of shoes, specially made for throwing. They can even have slogans on them. It will continue to be an urban phenomenon as rural India hardly has money to eat, let alone buy shoes. Press conferences will look like holy places with journalists being barred from wearing shoes into the press rooms. Helmet sales could also increase!

Elections in my city are over and I could not vote. No regrets as all the candidates in my area are known crooks so it won't matter who comes to power. These days when a politician talks too strongly about working for Vikas (development) be sure that he must be talking about his son called Vikas. They need our votes to support them in their hard work for their sons and daughters as is evident from a number of their children standing for elections this year.

Times have changed so much. There used to be a time when only finding too many stones in the kidney could lead to death. These days finding stones in a helicopter fuel tank too can lead to death. Poor Mr. Borge couldn’t live to tell his tale. His plans were thrown off track on tracks as he was crushed to death by a speeding train. I refuse to believe it was suicide. With someone like Anil Ambani involved it’s not too difficult to get the BIG picture!

It’s holiday time and the abnormally sweltering heat has most people cooped up at home discussing and enjoying i-pods, i-tunes, i-phones, i-pills and now IPL. I have finished my Spanish syllabus for the basic level but have been too busy and lazy to practice. It’s been a long time since I’ve even seen my Spanish teacher. The last I remember she used to look really pretty. I may not be able to speak fluently yet but I could get a PhD for the number of websites on learning Spanish I browse and research, all thanks to her!

Last night I went out for dinner with my best friend. We went to a close by Resto-Bar called Bond and even a mighty cribber like me was left smiling. It’s an extremely cozy joint with pleasant waiters who invite you in with genuine smiles. They are patient enough to answer all your questions as well. The ambiance is great with a giant video screen and a range of speakers playing music from a big Juke box. It is a bit expensive but then, which place is not expensive these days? The food was not perfect but with that kind of ambiance and service it’s certainly worth it. I would highly recommend it for a nice evening with a special guest or friend even if you are a teetotaler like me.

Shoekriya Minister!

Jarnail Singh, the journalist who threw a shoe at our Home Minister Chidambaram has become a local hero. His community has welcomed him with his favorite sweet Shoeji halwa.

Rewards in millions have been announced by the Sikh community although no one has offered him their daughter’s hand in marriage as was the case with the Iraqi shoe thrower. This must surely be the easiest way to earn millions. Like Nike says; “Just do it”.

The woman in his life is not amused though. She is from the old school who believes that only women reserve the right to hit men with shoes and chappals and is peeved that even this privilege is no longer solely in a woman’s domain.

Sardars in the army are a very ashamed lot. They cannot understand how he could miss from such a short distance (for God's sake, he was sitting in the first row!). This has brought a bad name for all sardars in the army and they fear people will doubt the shooting skills of sardars.

Shoe makers I am sure will take a cue and start making special shoes for press conferences. These will have target locks where you cannot miss once the target is locked before the shoe is thrown.

Instead of thanking his stars for not being put behind bars Jarnail is complaining that he has not got his shoe back. Can someone please tell him that throwing a shoe is not like Bowling where the ball comes back!

Last but not least, as predicted, India has joined the US and China as one of the top three Shoeper Powers of the 21st century. First it was Bush who got the boot then it was the Chinese premier Wen Jiabao and now the Indian Chiddu.

Blas(t)phemous!

The canvas of the world is exploding with news like never before.

It was interesting to hear that a classroom session teaching how to be a U.S. citizen was going on when the shooting rampage at the US immigration centre was reported. I wonder whether they have practical training sessions too!

Not too long ago I remember Americans spending billions to help the Afghans drive away the Russians from Afghanistan. Now they are paying the Pakis billions to drive the Talibans away from Pakistan.

Even as I write this there are reports of more blasts in our region. We are truly living a Blas(t)phemous region!

The world observed Earth Hour recently when millions of people switched off their lights and other electrical appliances for an hour. A friend asked me, can you imagine how many babies were made that day? Hmmn only time will tell I suppose.

UAE is a very lucky country. They recently passed a law authorising the deportation of people(read 'from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh') caught spitting Pan remains in that country. It’s a pity we can’t deport our filthy Pan spitting citizens anywhere. It would have been great if it was possible to deport them straight to Mars “the red planet”. They could have made sure it remains the ‘red planet’ forever. Very few things can be as repulsive as spitting in public…Pan or no Pan. I have often seen people spitting after encountering any kind of stink. It always beats me how getting rid of your saliva can help get rid of the stink!!

Political leaders are being hauled up for distributing money to voters in their constituencies. I disagree with their persecution. On the contrary I would recommend setting a minimum amount to be distributed to each voter, say Rs. 500. If this happens and is made legal imagine how much money will be distributed to the poor and needy by rival political parties? In any case, this is the only occasion when poor villagers get something from our shamelessly corrupt politicians. We have no right to deprive them of such largesse.

Varun Gandhi has just invited himself on the hit list of terrorists. Call it destiny or a curse but for the Gandhi family the only way to leave this world seems to be unnatural death. Indira, Rajiv, Sanjay…who next?

The 'made in India' Nano (world's cheapest car at $ 2,500) has finally been launched. There goes one more status symbol…out of the window and into the gutter… I mean on to our roads.

Being a fan of Roger Federer, I was very disappointed this week to see his temper get the better of him. I have always admired him for being as gracious in defeat as he is in victory. It probably just goes to prove that he is only human:(

On a happier note my favorite telly series Bones is back on air with a new season and I am looking forward to seeing the best odd couple.

My Own Oscar!

It's Oscar time and after winning so many awards Slumdog Millionaire (SM) is all over the media, why not on my blog as well ?

I have not seen SM but most of my friends who have seen it were surprised at the hype and the rave reviews it has received. I am not qualified to comment on the technical awards it won but am happy for A R Rahman. Of course, he doesn’t need an Oscar to confirm his legendary status in our music industry but recognition is always welcome. He is one of those rare artists who is respected by everyone. I have not heard of anyone who has heard Rahman say they don’t like his music.

What amuses me and makes me curious is the impact of this success and the way it will be celebrated.

For starters Big B will be ruing the day he lashed out against SM and will now need to sugar coat his opinions and try to be politically correct. I pity celebrities who can afford almost anything except the right to their personal opinion if it happens to be politically incorrect or goes against popular belief.

How will the stars be celebrating this success ? Our desi star Freida Pinto has started her celebrations in advance by dumping Rohan (her boyfriend/husband). Don’t blame her; she is just following the footsteps of other celebrities like Saif, Deepika Padukone etc. Now I will be eagerly waiting to know “Kaun Banega Freida Pati”?

News channels will be flocking the homes of the child stars in Dharavi and asking little Salim’s mother what she gave him for breakfast everyday. She will have to remind them that she is a slum dweller and breakfast is a luxury they could never afford.

Danny Boyle forgot to thank our politicians. If it was not for them there would be no slums in India and this movie could never have been made. Bravo politicians you are great visionaries. You have been planning this Oscar for over 60 years!

Chidambaram our Home Minister has announced that he will propose tax breaks if the Oscars consist of prize money as well. This is what happens when you appoint a Finance Minister to take care of the Home Ministry!

We have one more tourist spot in Mumbai- Dharavi. Just a couple of months back we added Leopold café and now this- WoW!

Following the steep elevation in the social status of slumdogs I hope the stray dogs near my complex would migrate to the slums and want to be counted among their elite.

There will be a slew of movies based on slums in India. Living next to a slum could even become a status symbol.

I read somewhere that a Hindi movie song shot on top of a train has never been a flop. The good luck seems to be rubbing on to platforms as well and after ‘Jai Ho’ more platforms will be used for shooting songs.

The English translation of the lyrics of ‘Jai Ho’ will be highly sought after and known by most of urban India and those of us living abroad, even as we continue to remain ignorant of the English translation of our national anthem ‘Jana Gana Mana’!

Finally, for those of you who think I deserve an Oscar for all my preposterous thoughts and comments I have news! I have awarded myself an Oscar a long time back and have posted a picture of it as proof. Yeah mine is specially crafted:))

P.S. If you think I sound narcissistic remember I am not the only one, Freud believed that some narcissism is an essential part of all of us from birth!

An Eventful Quarter!

A lot has been happening in our complex during the last three months and a new post is overdue. I have loads of exciting things to report this time. Formation of two welfare associations, Hungama 2009, builders secret revealed and much more….read on.

The formation of NiRWA (Nirmal Lifestyle Residency Welfare Association) was announced and its first event was Hungama 2009. It was spread over 5 days and events covering sports, cultural programs, general entertainment, felicitations and gala dinner were organized.

Sports competitions were so popular that there was participation even from those who did not live in Nirmal! To get to know who our co-residents are I think next year we should also have a ‘spot the non-Nirmalite contest’ where residents will identify participants who don’t live here.

Stage events were held on the 10th and 11th of Jan. The highlights on the 10th included stage performance by local artists and a fashion show. The DJ anchoring the events was a direct result of the adequate attention paid to gender equality. Whilst the men were happy they had a male DJ the womenfolk too were happy they had a female DJ. The children didn’t really care and they had the maximum fun. The sound that evening was too loud and I wondered why until I realized that the sound engineer had forgotten to wear his special T-shirt which had their motto. “If you can’t hear us, you are deaf and if you continue to hear us, you will soon go deaf”! Thankfully the Fashion Show was the saving grace and participation was beyond all expectations. Residents of Onyx and Garnet who walk the ramp up and down every time they come out of their building put their practice to good use.

The Grand Finale was organized on the 11th with an orchestra which did manage to get residents of all ages to come up to the dance floor. It was nice to see our local Mumbai heroes of 26/11 being felicitated. Just as I was attending to a phone call after the felicitations my friend was gesturing to me that a skit enacting the 26/11 attack at the CST railway station had started. As there was no such skit planned I was surprised until I realized it was the prize distribution. I must admit that it did look like a skit of CST. People were running helter-skelter and one man was taking out small packets from something that resembled a gunny bag. Photographers were standing right in the middle of the stage with their backs to the audience. It looked more of a free for all and less of a prize distribution. Our only retribution is (in future) to have small cups for winners with their names engraved on them. There was catering too and I heard it reminded one of the before and after ads you see on TV. It was full of goodies before 9.30 p.m. and only proteins (read Dal) after 9.30 p.m.

All in all it was a wonderful effort considering the fact that the event was almost dead due to lack of sponsorship until the sportING, co-operatING and sponsorING white knight emerged in the form of ING Bank. A BIG THANKS to them. Next year, I propose we target eye-wear companies and binocular sellers for sponsorship. They could benefit from many of our residents wanting to enjoy the programs from the comfort of their apartment windows!

The second welfare association which was recently formed is called NiSWA and is more powerful than NiRWA. They don’t need any permission from the BMC or the police and can continue having fun beyond 10 p.m. Their first event was held behind Garnet bldg. celebrating the Supreme Court’s stay on the killing of stray dogs in Mumbai. NiSWA stands for Nirmal Lifestyle Stray dogs Welfare Association.

Here comes some insider information about our builder. The secret of the non completion of Blue Diamond is finally revealed by unimpeachable sources. It has to do with numerology and our builders’ penchant for the number 9. The word ‘lifestyle’ has 9 letters and so does his other project ‘City of Joy’. There are 9 buildings in the complex and the 18 storey buildings add up to 9 (1+8). Completing Blue Diamond will make it 10 buildings in the complex and fearing bad luck he wants to avoid completing this building.

There has also been some misunderstanding by the builder to one of our other requests. In response to our demand for more open space a gutter cover was left open. Unfortunately, someone fell into it and that’s when we realized what the builder had in mind. A timely clarification did help but it prevented me from using the opening lines I had planned for this post - “Things finally seem to be falling in place in our complex” :(

Lately, discussions about our club house have intensified. It reminds me of the dilemma faced by the family of a lady about to deliver a premature baby. The doctor wants permission to go ahead with a premature delivery even as the family fears the well being of the baby post delivery. Our builder wants to handover an incomplete club house and with no infrastructure in place to maintain it, the residents fear it will be in shambles within no time. The swimming pool which was promised is missing and I suspect that the builder continues to believe he has kept his promise. He is likely to produce the aerial view of the layout which shows a blue patch labeled swimming pool. True to the planned layout he has made a blue patch on the club house ceiling and if you look at it from above (the aerial view) it does look like a pool. Bravo builder you are a genius!

We had a candle light vigil for the departed souls who died in the 26/11 attacks. We prayed for their souls and the candle manufacturers blessed us for the sudden increase in their sales.

Two well meaning youngsters came to my house the other day seeking donation for CRY (Child Relief and You). To their utter bad luck their programs were titled 'Pigeon' which in this complex sends shudders down your spine. The rate at which they are multiplying is sure to threaten the ecological balance on earth. I hope a worthy predator descends soon to maintain the balance.

I have concluded that the ‘F’ word in our complex stands for football. With no concrete solution for an alternative play area in sight kids continue play on concrete. A nail biting finish is the hallmark of any good football match. By those standards ours is the best ever. They are nail biting from start to finish. You keep biting your nails wondering whose car is going to be dented or who is going to be hit next. You can’t even ask the kids to kick their bad habit coz that’s exactly what they are doing :) The kids want you to look at the positive side. It keeps all of us on our toes and is a fantastic exercise in alertness. Although it is not a contact sport it has managed to increase social contact and interaction between the members albeit with undesirable effect.

On the positive side we had a very well attended Republic day celebration. There was no dissent for the 26/1 event like the one for the Hungama event following the 26/11 attacks.

A special general body meeting has been called on the 15th of this month. It should provide a lot of fodder for subsequent posts but unfortunately I will be out of town and unable to attend it.