Vero...nikaah

So we all know who Archie has finally decided to marry!! I won’t go into the probable whys of his selection coz that would never finish this post (although I admit it could make more interesting reading hehe). I’d rather concentrate on the fact that he took 67 years to decide. Now, all you guys out there don’t ask me why I have still not decided. I’m ages away from taking 67 years!

The last 10-12 days have been hectic. The fun of following the counting of votes, the IPL final and then the major event of our financial markets, which have been comatose for over a year, finally coming to life. On the down side I sprained my back and hopefully it’ll sort itself out before my trip to Bangalore next month.

Hundreds of tigers have been made extinct this month. I am referring to the Tamil tigers. I strongly object to terrorists being called animals. Animals don’t kill for sadistic pleasures they kill only when they are hungry. I hope this is taken up at the next WTO meet. (World Tigers Organisation)

One of the things I really wanted to do this year was to hook up with some of the people I studied and worked with when I left India. I have finished gathering information about some of them and should start contacting them soon. I’m looking forward to it.

The other thing I wanted to do was to get back some of the friends I had lost. I started with the best and it probably took some D’Vyne intervention to make me do what I did. I am so happy about it. Like I told that friend, life is short and unpredictable and I don't ever want to leave this world estranged from the one who means so much. So here was me killing all the bad feelings and remembering only the happy moments together. The fact is, ultimately people do work around their differences and come together…. usually when it’s too late in their lives. If it is going to happen anyway might as well do it asap.

Since I am on the subject of friends I’ll leave you with one of my most favorite lines. Old friends are the best but we can’t have more old friends without making new ones, can we? To this end I am glad to have added at least one more to my list during the last few months. This is someone who speaks very good Spanish but doesn’t seem to know the meaning of the word pronto:(

BJP wins!

This election, BJP’s campaign was the real winner. They spread the message that one should vote for Mazboot Neta, Nirnayak Sarkar (strong leader, decisive government) and that’s exactly what the people did. They voted for the Congress (UPA) government with Manmohan Singh as the PM!

What bemused me most is the allocation (distribution would be more suitable I guess) of portfolios. I mean, a Minister is supposed to head the affairs of an entire nation in his domain and these posts are being doled out as if it hardly mattered who heads what ( except for the prestige value )! If you don’t want Power you can have Rural Affairs or Tourism. Gee are they all the same??? Imagine in a corporation the Directors or Presidents saying they will take IT if they can’t have Marketing and the Chairman offers them Human Resources or Production control!

The swearing in ceremony was so so boring and monotonous. I fail to understand why the President had to keep saying ‘I’ all the time. Whatever the reason I am sure there is a better way of doing it. It could really be a five minute affair if all of them took oath at the same time. Other than their names there is hardly anything different they say.

The only thing it cleared for me was the reason why Ministers keep taking oaths and then do exactly the same things they swore they would not do. The thing is when you swear by someone it implies that if you do the things you swore not to do then those who you swore by will come to harm. The problem is, we know God is immortal and there is no way anyone can harm him so it is really pointless swearing by God. What do you think? I suggest they should be made to swear by their families, wealth and power and then see how they stick to their oaths :)

The unpredictable seems to be almost predictable this month! First it was the election results and then the IPL finalists. I wonder what else is in store. Will Nadal be crashing out of the French Open? Who knows?

Swine Flu vs Vyne Flu

*Issued in Public Interest*

This cautionary statement is being issued in view of the global scare regarding Swine Flu and its phonetic closeness to an already existing condition called Vyne Flu. Your attention is drawn to the causes, symptoms and cures for both these conditions and you are advised to take all necessary precautions.

Swine Flu

Mainly spreads from person to person as a result of coughing or sneezing by people with influenza.

WHO has recently declared it a Pandemic.

Symptoms include:

· High fever
· Cough
· Sore throat
· Headache
· Body aches and
· Fatigue

It is an extremely harmful condition and if not treated in time could lead to death.

Vyne Flu

Spreads through a single source being an individual called Vyne. It is not Pandemic but Paldemic, infecting all pals of this individual.

Regular contact with Vyne via Email, SMS and telephone drastically increases the chances of being infected.

Symptoms include:

· Impatience
· Fussiness
· Bouts of laughter
· Burnt throat (resulting from the consumption of very hot beverages)
· High tendency to crack PJs

Your likes, dislikes and beliefs are at a high risk of undergoing drastic changes. The following effects have been indicated.

· Early morning would mean 8.30 a.m.
· You will claim to be 20+ forever.
· Food will consist of just fruits, juices and biscuits.
· Sleeping, writing and travel will be the only worthy pastimes.
· You will start becoming wordly wise.
· You will believe that the best dress ever invented is:

( A pure white chudidar with a red bandhej dupatta)
· The best perfumes will be Creed for men and Cool Water for women.
· Laziness will become a virtue and
· Latin America would be considered the best continent on Earth.

Vyne Flu can be classified as extremely harmful or charmful depending on the victims state of mind. Currently, there is no known cure available for this condition.

Please keep the above in mind and take care of yourself and those around you.

Cheap Thrills!

I opened the newspaper a couple of days back and for a moment wondered if I was in India or some ‘developed’ country. Travel advisories had been issued to those traveling to Mexico, USA, Canada and parts of Europe. Hundreds of passengers arriving from the above countries were to be screened upon arrival at our airports.

Wow! I was having the cheap thrill of something at whose receiving end we have always been. I also thanked God for making me a vegetarian. It all started with a cow. No, I’m not talking about Hinduism. I meant it started with the Mad Cow disease, then it was the Bird Flu and now it’s the Swine Flu. That leaves us with just Lamb Flu and Fish Flu in the coming years. I hear that owing to some confusion regarding the spread of Swine Flu it has been renamed H1N1 disease. This will leave our IT folks even more flustered. As it is they are grappling with confusion over H1B1 visas and now they are burdened with H1N1 problem as well.

As our elections come to an end the shoe throwing Mela continues. I am certain that it will be popular even after the elections and manufacturers can start a new line of shoes, specially made for throwing. They can even have slogans on them. It will continue to be an urban phenomenon as rural India hardly has money to eat, let alone buy shoes. Press conferences will look like holy places with journalists being barred from wearing shoes into the press rooms. Helmet sales could also increase!

Elections in my city are over and I could not vote. No regrets as all the candidates in my area are known crooks so it won't matter who comes to power. These days when a politician talks too strongly about working for Vikas (development) be sure that he must be talking about his son called Vikas. They need our votes to support them in their hard work for their sons and daughters as is evident from a number of their children standing for elections this year.

Times have changed so much. There used to be a time when only finding too many stones in the kidney could lead to death. These days finding stones in a helicopter fuel tank too can lead to death. Poor Mr. Borge couldn’t live to tell his tale. His plans were thrown off track on tracks as he was crushed to death by a speeding train. I refuse to believe it was suicide. With someone like Anil Ambani involved it’s not too difficult to get the BIG picture!

It’s holiday time and the abnormally sweltering heat has most people cooped up at home discussing and enjoying i-pods, i-tunes, i-phones, i-pills and now IPL. I have finished my Spanish syllabus for the basic level but have been too busy and lazy to practice. It’s been a long time since I’ve even seen my Spanish teacher. The last I remember she used to look really pretty. I may not be able to speak fluently yet but I could get a PhD for the number of websites on learning Spanish I browse and research, all thanks to her!

Last night I went out for dinner with my best friend. We went to a close by Resto-Bar called Bond and even a mighty cribber like me was left smiling. It’s an extremely cozy joint with pleasant waiters who invite you in with genuine smiles. They are patient enough to answer all your questions as well. The ambiance is great with a giant video screen and a range of speakers playing music from a big Juke box. It is a bit expensive but then, which place is not expensive these days? The food was not perfect but with that kind of ambiance and service it’s certainly worth it. I would highly recommend it for a nice evening with a special guest or friend even if you are a teetotaler like me.

Shoekriya Minister!

Jarnail Singh, the journalist who threw a shoe at our Home Minister Chidambaram has become a local hero. His community has welcomed him with his favorite sweet Shoeji halwa.

Rewards in millions have been announced by the Sikh community although no one has offered him their daughter’s hand in marriage as was the case with the Iraqi shoe thrower. This must surely be the easiest way to earn millions. Like Nike says; “Just do it”.

The woman in his life is not amused though. She is from the old school who believes that only women reserve the right to hit men with shoes and chappals and is peeved that even this privilege is no longer solely in a woman’s domain.

Sardars in the army are a very ashamed lot. They cannot understand how he could miss from such a short distance (for God's sake, he was sitting in the first row!). This has brought a bad name for all sardars in the army and they fear people will doubt the shooting skills of sardars.

Shoe makers I am sure will take a cue and start making special shoes for press conferences. These will have target locks where you cannot miss once the target is locked before the shoe is thrown.

Instead of thanking his stars for not being put behind bars Jarnail is complaining that he has not got his shoe back. Can someone please tell him that throwing a shoe is not like Bowling where the ball comes back!

Last but not least, as predicted, India has joined the US and China as one of the top three Shoeper Powers of the 21st century. First it was Bush who got the boot then it was the Chinese premier Wen Jiabao and now the Indian Chiddu.

Blas(t)phemous!

The canvas of the world is exploding with news like never before.

It was interesting to hear that a classroom session teaching how to be a U.S. citizen was going on when the shooting rampage at the US immigration centre was reported. I wonder whether they have practical training sessions too!

Not too long ago I remember Americans spending billions to help the Afghans drive away the Russians from Afghanistan. Now they are paying the Pakis billions to drive the Talibans away from Pakistan.

Even as I write this there are reports of more blasts in our region. We are truly living a Blas(t)phemous region!

The world observed Earth Hour recently when millions of people switched off their lights and other electrical appliances for an hour. A friend asked me, can you imagine how many babies were made that day? Hmmn only time will tell I suppose.

UAE is a very lucky country. They recently passed a law authorising the deportation of people(read 'from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh') caught spitting Pan remains in that country. It’s a pity we can’t deport our filthy Pan spitting citizens anywhere. It would have been great if it was possible to deport them straight to Mars “the red planet”. They could have made sure it remains the ‘red planet’ forever. Very few things can be as repulsive as spitting in public…Pan or no Pan. I have often seen people spitting after encountering any kind of stink. It always beats me how getting rid of your saliva can help get rid of the stink!!

Political leaders are being hauled up for distributing money to voters in their constituencies. I disagree with their persecution. On the contrary I would recommend setting a minimum amount to be distributed to each voter, say Rs. 500. If this happens and is made legal imagine how much money will be distributed to the poor and needy by rival political parties? In any case, this is the only occasion when poor villagers get something from our shamelessly corrupt politicians. We have no right to deprive them of such largesse.

Varun Gandhi has just invited himself on the hit list of terrorists. Call it destiny or a curse but for the Gandhi family the only way to leave this world seems to be unnatural death. Indira, Rajiv, Sanjay…who next?

The 'made in India' Nano (world's cheapest car at $ 2,500) has finally been launched. There goes one more status symbol…out of the window and into the gutter… I mean on to our roads.

Being a fan of Roger Federer, I was very disappointed this week to see his temper get the better of him. I have always admired him for being as gracious in defeat as he is in victory. It probably just goes to prove that he is only human:(

On a happier note my favorite telly series Bones is back on air with a new season and I am looking forward to seeing the best odd couple.

My Own Oscar!

It's Oscar time and after winning so many awards Slumdog Millionaire (SM) is all over the media, why not on my blog as well ?

I have not seen SM but most of my friends who have seen it were surprised at the hype and the rave reviews it has received. I am not qualified to comment on the technical awards it won but am happy for A R Rahman. Of course, he doesn’t need an Oscar to confirm his legendary status in our music industry but recognition is always welcome. He is one of those rare artists who is respected by everyone. I have not heard of anyone who has heard Rahman say they don’t like his music.

What amuses me and makes me curious is the impact of this success and the way it will be celebrated.

For starters Big B will be ruing the day he lashed out against SM and will now need to sugar coat his opinions and try to be politically correct. I pity celebrities who can afford almost anything except the right to their personal opinion if it happens to be politically incorrect or goes against popular belief.

How will the stars be celebrating this success ? Our desi star Freida Pinto has started her celebrations in advance by dumping Rohan (her boyfriend/husband). Don’t blame her; she is just following the footsteps of other celebrities like Saif, Deepika Padukone etc. Now I will be eagerly waiting to know “Kaun Banega Freida Pati”?

News channels will be flocking the homes of the child stars in Dharavi and asking little Salim’s mother what she gave him for breakfast everyday. She will have to remind them that she is a slum dweller and breakfast is a luxury they could never afford.

Danny Boyle forgot to thank our politicians. If it was not for them there would be no slums in India and this movie could never have been made. Bravo politicians you are great visionaries. You have been planning this Oscar for over 60 years!

Chidambaram our Home Minister has announced that he will propose tax breaks if the Oscars consist of prize money as well. This is what happens when you appoint a Finance Minister to take care of the Home Ministry!

We have one more tourist spot in Mumbai- Dharavi. Just a couple of months back we added Leopold café and now this- WoW!

Following the steep elevation in the social status of slumdogs I hope the stray dogs near my complex would migrate to the slums and want to be counted among their elite.

There will be a slew of movies based on slums in India. Living next to a slum could even become a status symbol.

I read somewhere that a Hindi movie song shot on top of a train has never been a flop. The good luck seems to be rubbing on to platforms as well and after ‘Jai Ho’ more platforms will be used for shooting songs.

The English translation of the lyrics of ‘Jai Ho’ will be highly sought after and known by most of urban India and those of us living abroad, even as we continue to remain ignorant of the English translation of our national anthem ‘Jana Gana Mana’!

Finally, for those of you who think I deserve an Oscar for all my preposterous thoughts and comments I have news! I have awarded myself an Oscar a long time back and have posted a picture of it as proof. Yeah mine is specially crafted:))

P.S. If you think I sound narcissistic remember I am not the only one, Freud believed that some narcissism is an essential part of all of us from birth!