Blas(t)phemous!

The canvas of the world is exploding with news like never before.

It was interesting to hear that a classroom session teaching how to be a U.S. citizen was going on when the shooting rampage at the US immigration centre was reported. I wonder whether they have practical training sessions too!

Not too long ago I remember Americans spending billions to help the Afghans drive away the Russians from Afghanistan. Now they are paying the Pakis billions to drive the Talibans away from Pakistan.

Even as I write this there are reports of more blasts in our region. We are truly living a Blas(t)phemous region!

The world observed Earth Hour recently when millions of people switched off their lights and other electrical appliances for an hour. A friend asked me, can you imagine how many babies were made that day? Hmmn only time will tell I suppose.

UAE is a very lucky country. They recently passed a law authorising the deportation of people(read 'from India, Pakistan and Bangladesh') caught spitting Pan remains in that country. It’s a pity we can’t deport our filthy Pan spitting citizens anywhere. It would have been great if it was possible to deport them straight to Mars “the red planet”. They could have made sure it remains the ‘red planet’ forever. Very few things can be as repulsive as spitting in public…Pan or no Pan. I have often seen people spitting after encountering any kind of stink. It always beats me how getting rid of your saliva can help get rid of the stink!!

Political leaders are being hauled up for distributing money to voters in their constituencies. I disagree with their persecution. On the contrary I would recommend setting a minimum amount to be distributed to each voter, say Rs. 500. If this happens and is made legal imagine how much money will be distributed to the poor and needy by rival political parties? In any case, this is the only occasion when poor villagers get something from our shamelessly corrupt politicians. We have no right to deprive them of such largesse.

Varun Gandhi has just invited himself on the hit list of terrorists. Call it destiny or a curse but for the Gandhi family the only way to leave this world seems to be unnatural death. Indira, Rajiv, Sanjay…who next?

The 'made in India' Nano (world's cheapest car at $ 2,500) has finally been launched. There goes one more status symbol…out of the window and into the gutter… I mean on to our roads.

Being a fan of Roger Federer, I was very disappointed this week to see his temper get the better of him. I have always admired him for being as gracious in defeat as he is in victory. It probably just goes to prove that he is only human:(

On a happier note my favorite telly series Bones is back on air with a new season and I am looking forward to seeing the best odd couple.

My Own Oscar!

It's Oscar time and after winning so many awards Slumdog Millionaire (SM) is all over the media, why not on my blog as well ?

I have not seen SM but most of my friends who have seen it were surprised at the hype and the rave reviews it has received. I am not qualified to comment on the technical awards it won but am happy for A R Rahman. Of course, he doesn’t need an Oscar to confirm his legendary status in our music industry but recognition is always welcome. He is one of those rare artists who is respected by everyone. I have not heard of anyone who has heard Rahman say they don’t like his music.

What amuses me and makes me curious is the impact of this success and the way it will be celebrated.

For starters Big B will be ruing the day he lashed out against SM and will now need to sugar coat his opinions and try to be politically correct. I pity celebrities who can afford almost anything except the right to their personal opinion if it happens to be politically incorrect or goes against popular belief.

How will the stars be celebrating this success ? Our desi star Freida Pinto has started her celebrations in advance by dumping Rohan (her boyfriend/husband). Don’t blame her; she is just following the footsteps of other celebrities like Saif, Deepika Padukone etc. Now I will be eagerly waiting to know “Kaun Banega Freida Pati”?

News channels will be flocking the homes of the child stars in Dharavi and asking little Salim’s mother what she gave him for breakfast everyday. She will have to remind them that she is a slum dweller and breakfast is a luxury they could never afford.

Danny Boyle forgot to thank our politicians. If it was not for them there would be no slums in India and this movie could never have been made. Bravo politicians you are great visionaries. You have been planning this Oscar for over 60 years!

Chidambaram our Home Minister has announced that he will propose tax breaks if the Oscars consist of prize money as well. This is what happens when you appoint a Finance Minister to take care of the Home Ministry!

We have one more tourist spot in Mumbai- Dharavi. Just a couple of months back we added Leopold café and now this- WoW!

Following the steep elevation in the social status of slumdogs I hope the stray dogs near my complex would migrate to the slums and want to be counted among their elite.

There will be a slew of movies based on slums in India. Living next to a slum could even become a status symbol.

I read somewhere that a Hindi movie song shot on top of a train has never been a flop. The good luck seems to be rubbing on to platforms as well and after ‘Jai Ho’ more platforms will be used for shooting songs.

The English translation of the lyrics of ‘Jai Ho’ will be highly sought after and known by most of urban India and those of us living abroad, even as we continue to remain ignorant of the English translation of our national anthem ‘Jana Gana Mana’!

Finally, for those of you who think I deserve an Oscar for all my preposterous thoughts and comments I have news! I have awarded myself an Oscar a long time back and have posted a picture of it as proof. Yeah mine is specially crafted:))

P.S. If you think I sound narcissistic remember I am not the only one, Freud believed that some narcissism is an essential part of all of us from birth!

An Eventful Quarter!

A lot has been happening in our complex during the last three months and a new post is overdue. I have loads of exciting things to report this time. Formation of two welfare associations, Hungama 2009, builders secret revealed and much more….read on.

The formation of NiRWA (Nirmal Lifestyle Residency Welfare Association) was announced and its first event was Hungama 2009. It was spread over 5 days and events covering sports, cultural programs, general entertainment, felicitations and gala dinner were organized.

Sports competitions were so popular that there was participation even from those who did not live in Nirmal! To get to know who our co-residents are I think next year we should also have a ‘spot the non-Nirmalite contest’ where residents will identify participants who don’t live here.

Stage events were held on the 10th and 11th of Jan. The highlights on the 10th included stage performance by local artists and a fashion show. The DJ anchoring the events was a direct result of the adequate attention paid to gender equality. Whilst the men were happy they had a male DJ the womenfolk too were happy they had a female DJ. The children didn’t really care and they had the maximum fun. The sound that evening was too loud and I wondered why until I realized that the sound engineer had forgotten to wear his special T-shirt which had their motto. “If you can’t hear us, you are deaf and if you continue to hear us, you will soon go deaf”! Thankfully the Fashion Show was the saving grace and participation was beyond all expectations. Residents of Onyx and Garnet who walk the ramp up and down every time they come out of their building put their practice to good use.

The Grand Finale was organized on the 11th with an orchestra which did manage to get residents of all ages to come up to the dance floor. It was nice to see our local Mumbai heroes of 26/11 being felicitated. Just as I was attending to a phone call after the felicitations my friend was gesturing to me that a skit enacting the 26/11 attack at the CST railway station had started. As there was no such skit planned I was surprised until I realized it was the prize distribution. I must admit that it did look like a skit of CST. People were running helter-skelter and one man was taking out small packets from something that resembled a gunny bag. Photographers were standing right in the middle of the stage with their backs to the audience. It looked more of a free for all and less of a prize distribution. Our only retribution is (in future) to have small cups for winners with their names engraved on them. There was catering too and I heard it reminded one of the before and after ads you see on TV. It was full of goodies before 9.30 p.m. and only proteins (read Dal) after 9.30 p.m.

All in all it was a wonderful effort considering the fact that the event was almost dead due to lack of sponsorship until the sportING, co-operatING and sponsorING white knight emerged in the form of ING Bank. A BIG THANKS to them. Next year, I propose we target eye-wear companies and binocular sellers for sponsorship. They could benefit from many of our residents wanting to enjoy the programs from the comfort of their apartment windows!

The second welfare association which was recently formed is called NiSWA and is more powerful than NiRWA. They don’t need any permission from the BMC or the police and can continue having fun beyond 10 p.m. Their first event was held behind Garnet bldg. celebrating the Supreme Court’s stay on the killing of stray dogs in Mumbai. NiSWA stands for Nirmal Lifestyle Stray dogs Welfare Association.

Here comes some insider information about our builder. The secret of the non completion of Blue Diamond is finally revealed by unimpeachable sources. It has to do with numerology and our builders’ penchant for the number 9. The word ‘lifestyle’ has 9 letters and so does his other project ‘City of Joy’. There are 9 buildings in the complex and the 18 storey buildings add up to 9 (1+8). Completing Blue Diamond will make it 10 buildings in the complex and fearing bad luck he wants to avoid completing this building.

There has also been some misunderstanding by the builder to one of our other requests. In response to our demand for more open space a gutter cover was left open. Unfortunately, someone fell into it and that’s when we realized what the builder had in mind. A timely clarification did help but it prevented me from using the opening lines I had planned for this post - “Things finally seem to be falling in place in our complex” :(

Lately, discussions about our club house have intensified. It reminds me of the dilemma faced by the family of a lady about to deliver a premature baby. The doctor wants permission to go ahead with a premature delivery even as the family fears the well being of the baby post delivery. Our builder wants to handover an incomplete club house and with no infrastructure in place to maintain it, the residents fear it will be in shambles within no time. The swimming pool which was promised is missing and I suspect that the builder continues to believe he has kept his promise. He is likely to produce the aerial view of the layout which shows a blue patch labeled swimming pool. True to the planned layout he has made a blue patch on the club house ceiling and if you look at it from above (the aerial view) it does look like a pool. Bravo builder you are a genius!

We had a candle light vigil for the departed souls who died in the 26/11 attacks. We prayed for their souls and the candle manufacturers blessed us for the sudden increase in their sales.

Two well meaning youngsters came to my house the other day seeking donation for CRY (Child Relief and You). To their utter bad luck their programs were titled 'Pigeon' which in this complex sends shudders down your spine. The rate at which they are multiplying is sure to threaten the ecological balance on earth. I hope a worthy predator descends soon to maintain the balance.

I have concluded that the ‘F’ word in our complex stands for football. With no concrete solution for an alternative play area in sight kids continue play on concrete. A nail biting finish is the hallmark of any good football match. By those standards ours is the best ever. They are nail biting from start to finish. You keep biting your nails wondering whose car is going to be dented or who is going to be hit next. You can’t even ask the kids to kick their bad habit coz that’s exactly what they are doing :) The kids want you to look at the positive side. It keeps all of us on our toes and is a fantastic exercise in alertness. Although it is not a contact sport it has managed to increase social contact and interaction between the members albeit with undesirable effect.

On the positive side we had a very well attended Republic day celebration. There was no dissent for the 26/1 event like the one for the Hungama event following the 26/11 attacks.

A special general body meeting has been called on the 15th of this month. It should provide a lot of fodder for subsequent posts but unfortunately I will be out of town and unable to attend it.

2008 is History...

My last post was about the terrible blasts and terror attacks in Mumbai. This post too starts off referring to a blast in Mumbai but this one was fun. I’m referring to the blast I had with my closest friends on my birthday. Spending such evenings with friends is one of those few things which make life worth living.

A friend wanted to gift me a collage of my favorite snaps and it’s only then I realized how lucky I was to have a problem on hand which was most welcome. It was almost impossible to select just a few snaps coz I have so many wonderful people in my life! I had to spend two full days going through my albums selecting and sorting snaps. It also took me down memory lane reliving some of the best moments in the recent past. The collage was a brilliant idea and one of the best gifts I have ever received. It’s on the wall behind my work desk and one of the first things I see every morning.

As the year draws to a close it’s time to look back and take stock of all that happened during 2008 which will soon be history.

The year did start on a promising note and everything seemed to be going perfectly well. Economies were chugging along at a good pace, stock markets were up, crude oil prices was on the boil, gold was scaling new heights and real estate was soaring. They say things in the financial world go wrong when least expected and that’s what happened. The fall was as dramatic as the rise. Millions of investors lost their shirts, pants and everything else. If we had nude beaches in India they would be full of investors! Some of them even ended committing suicide. They blamed it on futures and options but the logic was far simpler. If we dare to look too much into the future it is only natural that we see our death.

For those not interested in the financial world there was a lot happening outside of it as well. Michael Jackson had changed everything a human can possibly change. He had already changed his gender and skin color. This year he changed his religion and name. I am curious to know what else he can change!

Nothing gives me greater joy than seeing the arrogant fall and the debacle of Aussie cricket was the stuff dreams are made of. This was paralleled only by the fall of arrogant honchos of the financial institutions in the US who had all along bragged they were the best.

Our sporting achievements were noteworthy and people in the country learnt that we also play sports other than cricket! Our politicians though were not sporting enough. Corruption is spreading like gangrene, fraudsters, murderers and anti social elements continue to rule the roost. We continue to live in a ‘demon’cratic society.

Film goers finally seem to be tired of watching the same old (getting older) Shah Rukhs and Amitabhs. There’s a new and wonderful crop of film makers, singers , musicians and actors. AK has been crowned the new king though.

On the personal front it has been a great year too. I have travelled like never before and indulged like never before. Should now start convincing myself that the treadmill at home is not an investment in iron and steel but a device used to keep one healthy. I have outdone Hrithik though. I started learning Spanish before he did but am not sure if I will finish it before he does. He has the motivation of Barbara Mori while I have to fall back on the hopes of a look like when I do visit LatAm / Spain!

I'm glad I started this blog (thanks to the encouragement by a friend I met on a flight from Bangalore to Mumbai). Not so glad though that I have slipped my weekly blog update sked last month. Hopefully I don't repeat that too often in the New Year.

Made some great new friends lost some but the tally at the end of year is positive. I plan to track down some long lost friends and colleagues in the coming year and hopefully also get back the ones I’ve lost.

In conclusion, I can only thank God for a year about which I have very little to complain. I have had a great time and my message to whoever reads this is - you haven’t lived, if you haven’t lived it up.

Take care, and best wishes for a rocking 2009 to everyone out there.

Lessons learnt?

Last few weeks have been very busy and I haven’t been able to update my blog. I was planning to do it on thrusday but watching the terrorist attacks on telly has consumed most of my free time.

There have been so many bomb blasts and attacks lately that we are unfortunately becoming numb to such events. As our impotent government looks on helplessly the only phrase that comes to mind is “what cannot be cured must be endured”.

The way the powers that be crooned about the attacks being so well coordinated and about the excellent training the terrorists had received it felt as if our forces would be better off learning at the terrorist training schools than our own!

Our Home Minister is a very confused man these days. He was last heard asking why people are demanding his resignation when all the attacks were in hotels and not at home.

The English cricketers have called off their tour because of terrorism. They feel they have been terrorized enough by the Indian team in the first 5 ODIs. They found the perfect excuse to hide their tails between their legs and rush back to UK.

I told some friends that on my up coming birthday I want to take them out for dinner at a five star hotel. All of them refused and want to call in food from pizza hut!

Thankfully, I just heard that the mayhem had stopped and the siege had finally ended. With so much of terror around us and so much of telly coverage I wont be surprised if someone starts a channel called Terror TV sooner than later.

Reports trickling in indicate that more lives could have been saved, both civilian and those in uniform, had the helmets and bullet proof jackets not been of sub-standard quality. I suppose we could not provide them with those simply becoz corrupt officials had siphoned off the funds or the government had used them to fund our mission to the moon!

However, there are two positive takeaways I see from all of this.

One, some of the snooty (read celebrity) south Mumbai residents who would consider terror attacks as something that happened to others have now been welcomed to the real world. They will hopefully be more sensitive to the pain of the less fortunate sections of the society.

Two, we learn to live and enjoy life in the present. I have always found us to be a nation full of people taking ourselves and our lives far too seriously. We plan too much for the future and harp too much about the past. In the process we sacrifice the very present for which we have worked so hard. This is a wake-up call telling us once again that if we have things on our mind we want to do, sentiments we want to share, relationships we wish to mend, places or people we want to visit…lets do it right now. Tomorrow could well be too late.

Moon Moon (In)Sen

I caught up with the Minister who approved India’s mission to the moon.

Me:
Sir, don’t you think our country has better priorities to spend the millions of dollars you spent on the moon mission? I mean like eradicating poverty, providing water and sanitation, rural education and health care etc …

Minister:
You people will never understand.
We have to do something bold and new.
All those things you have mentioned we have been doing them for over 60 years now.
They are so boring. Don’t you want to do anything new?

Don’t you realize we have done something which only a handful of nations have done?

Me:
But sir, they are all rich nations!

Minister:
You have answered yourself. Now that we have spent millions of dollars on the moon mission doesn’t that automatically make us rich?

Me:
But sir, our farmers are committing suicide.

Minister:
You and your ‘butt’.... cant you see the big picture for a change?

Me:
Sir, hundreds of children are dying of malnutrition.

Minister:
There you go again. Didn’t I say look at the big picture?

Me:
Sir, Terrorists are killing thousands of innocent people. Don’t you think we should spend on catching these killers?

Minister:
I said look at the big picture. Do I have to spell it out?

When all these people who die go up..... can you imagine their pride and joy when they see the Indian flag flying on the Moon?

Aren’t you proud of being an Indian?

Me:
Yes sir, Thank You sir.

Minister:
Jai Hind

Singlehood

About six months ago I got a mail from a wonderful human being and a great friend with the subject ‘Singlehood’. It was a short mail with a few lines. It said:

Would like to know, how is life as a single person Vyne?
On that question, bye for now....you'll have reams to write.
I am all ears!

This post took a long time coming and is especially for you my German/Swedish speaking friend.

The moment I read the word singlehood it brought a smile to my face and I was tickled. I had heard of bachelorhood but singlehood was new and for some reason had a ring to it like Robinhood!

An international research once revealed that married men live longer than single men. What the research also revealed but is never publicized is the fact that married men are more willing to die than single men! I suppose that sets the tone for this post.

‘Single’ is one of the earliest forms of marital status or should I say the first form, for we all are born single. In the good old days there used to be just two forms- Single or Married. Then came the technically sound forms like Engaged, Widowed and Divorced.

That wasn’t enough, ‘Separated’ and ‘Estranged’ were added to make things clearer (to whom, I still don’t know).

Generation next proved to be more creative than anyone had imagined. They came up with another status – ‘Committed’ (I find that funny cause it makes it sound as if once you are married your are no longer committed! Sign of times?).

Gays and Lesbians started coming out of the closet and asserted their rights. One more status was born ‘Same Gender Partner’! As living-in became more common another marital status was born and being with a ‘Common Law Partner’ came into existence.

So, from having two forms to begin with we have ended up with so many that we now need a separate form to fill in the different forms of marital status.

Having come this far, the original, the one and only status of being single continues to be the most coveted. It’s difficult to generalize life as a single person because what counts is what you make out of your status. A single person living like a married one or vice-versa makes no sense. Similarly, what constitutes making the best out of one’s status is also quite subjective.

Before delving into the pros and cons of being single what I find interesting is the reaction people around you have during the various ages/phases/stages of being single. To begin with it is not taken seriously as every girl or boy starts off by saying that she or he doesn’t want to get married.

When you are nearing 30 and continue to play the same tune you receive some serious attention. Do you have anyone in mind? Is the question you have to answer repeatedly. If the answer is ‘No’ then these days parents begin to worry whether you are gay or lesbian! A few more years and the din around marriage dies down and near and dear ones replace persuasion with hope.

In your late 30s your married friends who are already past the honeymoon phase of their marriage and grappling with kids, in-laws, unwanted relatives et al tell you how lucky you are. By this time some of them have already been through a divorce and are eagerly ready to join the ‘single again’ club. Divorced guys who were lecturing about doing the right things at the right time have eaten their words and continue to maintain a brave front claiming that the timing was right but the person was wrong. Yeah right!

Around this time is just about when you begin to introspect about the pros and cons of being single. Being single or married are both wonderful phases of life and make no mistake, I have nothing against marriage. It’s just how life pans out for each of us and how we are able to adapt to the changes they bring in. I have seen some amazingly successful marriages and some pathetic bachelors.

Coming to the pros of being single the biggest luxury it affords you is that of choice. You can pick and choose the people who you want to associate with and do not have to mingle out of social compulsions. This for me is a priceless luxury. Everything else is collateral benefit.

‘Bound by freedom’ is a phrase which every person who is single swears by. Freedom to utilize you resources be it time, effort or money is an amazing feeling. It’s an addiction which gives you a high like no other. Once you are used to being the God of your own world it’s very difficult to give it up. Spice this with mobility and you have a fail-safe formula for living life on your own terms.

The practical benefits at a micro level include not having to fill all those additional forms and details when you travel or apply for visas! You also discover that married men and women confide in you very willingly and respect your objective views on various issues.

Nothing makes you stronger than living alone. You discover the real ‘you’ and are more independent than anyone who is married. You are strong enough to cry on your own shoulder and can also offer one to the needy! The biggest benefit though of being single is how you learn to love yourself (pun absolutely unintended!).

At a macro level you also contribute to the population control of a country like India:)

Having said all of that it still isn’t a cake walk being single in a country like ours. It’s yet far from being accepted. Although it is ok for men it is really tough for single women. A single woman is still perceived as being single out of some compulsion than out of choice.

The joy of having your own kids is something which every person who is single will miss at some time or the other but then, to really enjoy kids they don’t necessarily have to be yours, do they?

Respectability in society for a single male is still not at the same level as that of a married person despite the fact that the married man could be a wife beater or a child abuser. A certain degree of suspicion still haunts singles in this country. Most of it probably revolves around the misconception that singles don’t get their share of physical intimacy. That was probably true a few decades ago but today most singles are blessed with physical intimacy that far exceeds that derived by their married counterparts.

In conclusion, I would just add that confirmed bachelors may never become a majority but we would be kidding ourselves if we ignore the fact that almost half of those who are married are just living together under the same roof.... more as singles than as a couple. That my friend is one of the saddest facts of present day life.